The shroud of Faggot, which some Christians believe is Jesus Christ’s (faggot) jizz rag, went on public display Saturday for the first time since it was restored in 2002. It is expected to be jizzed on millions of times in the coming weeks.

About two million faggots– including Pope Benedict the King Fuck Faggot– are expected to jerk their jism on the shroud while it’s on view at Sargent Shithouse’s Faggot Sex Cathedral. The cost will be $15.00 per spooge but you get a free ink stamp on your faggot forehead that says ‘Heaven Bound Faggot!’ for jizzing on the face of the lord. This stamp guarantees you get into faggot heaven without having to be subjected to the no-lube anal ramming tag team required by St. Peter and St. Patrick.

The shroud, which bears the image of a blatant faggot that some Christians say is Jesus’, was restored eight years ago to remove a vomit stain done by 16th-century slut nuns after the cloth was damaged in one of their weekly shit-fueled sex orgies.

Many faggots contest the shroud’s authenticity, saying it dates to the Middle Ages, when faggots first started creating biblical relics for jizzizatory reasons.

“The shroud owner said it in 1355 … a local bishop jerked his cock all over it and said, ‘Uhh… Jism for Jesus! Oh yeahhh! Dropping loads!‘ and the pope of that time immediately said we should squirt jism on more of this “holy faggot shit”,” said Antonio Lomatti, a church faggot historian. Then the pope jismed in his own hand and smeared it on the shroud blessing it with the sign of the cross.

The Catholic Church’s official position regarding the shroud — Christianity’s most faggoted relic — is that it gets wrapped around the cock during masturbation and the jism is then aimed at the face of Jesus. Uh!

The archbishop of Turin, Cardinal Faggerino Poletto, tells visitors to view the shroud with their cocks rather than their minds. He said the only rule is to clear way if someone is ready to ‘pop’ for the lord.

“It is a man who’s had this horrible set of injuries, lying in death, but the face has a kind of transcendental quality about it that just screams for jizz decoration around the eyes and mouth,” said David Tolf, a faggot filmmaker whose latest project argues for urine and spit to be included in the shroud’s worship. “The church should be more open minded about how people worship,” he said. “For example, an elderly man may have trouble achieving an erection and he should have other options. Like spit and urine.”

The pope will fly to Turin to personally jizz all over the shroud May 2, according to the Catholic News Agency. The Vatican released a statement saying the pope has been practicing all week by jizziming on treasured religious paintings in front of cheering tourists.

Jesus wants you to come on his faggot face for $15.00! Heaven guaranteed!

Those faggotized pussies at cult headquarters in Cupertino decided to force-feed more of their dumbed-down faggot trash to the rubes in exchange for more fuckin money. Now all the idiots who got last year’s stupid faggot phone will need to go and get another one. What will the new phone do? Will it lick your cock? Will it murder your faggot, out of work brother? Only king faggot Steve Jobs knows for sure, and god knows he’s almost dead so he ain’t talking.
All you culted-out fags who are already coming in your pants will have to wait until Thursday, April 8th to find out all the gay details, but we know one thing, this faggot phone will turn more normal people into brain-dead faggots. We certainly need more of those!

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — NASA’s countdown clocks began ticking Friday for next week’s launch of astrofaggots on a space station supply run.

This shuttle launch is scheduled to contain 100% astrofaggots this time– as spacechinks have been formally banned from the space program. As we all know, on the last shuttle mission the team of astrofaggots ejected a smart-talking spacechink into deep space due to some disagreement over checkers and/or chicken. It was never exactly clear what sparked the argument–  but everyone was certainly relieved once the spacechink was off the ship. NASA released the statement, ‘Whatever. Good riddance to that fuckin faggot.’ when asked about the disagreement.

Three spacewalks are planned during Discovery’s 13-day flight to bring supplies to the faggotized space station.

“When those astrofuckin faggots get these fuckin supplies– they’re gonna shit diarrhea in their faggot spacesuits! We got guns, booze, plastic vaginas and all sorts of faggot crap going up this time! We can’t wait to see what happens! Although I sort of wish there was going to be another spacechink ejection. We all cheered when that happened last time,” said NASA faggot director Steve Payne.

“The team out here really loves ejected spacechinks. But I guess we didn’t want to feel like we were repeating ourselves like faggots,” he sadly added.

Launch time will be 6:21 a.m., nearly an hour before the faggot sun comes up like a sunny fuckin faggot.

Here go the astrofaggots! Wait... hold on a sec! Last minute change of plans?!

Faggot former movie and TV star Robin Williams has to resort to doing stand up again and when he appeared on some stupid third rate talk show he called faggot Australians “Dick-licking faggot white trash.” This prompted the faggot ruler of faggot Australia, Kevin ‘The Faggot’ Rudd, to get all pissed off like a pissy little faggot. He said, “Lick my cunt! Forget Australia, have you seen the faggot white trash  in Alabama?”  Once the Faggot Governor of Alabama heard that, he got his panties wet with anger and cried like a sad, bitch faggot for the rest of the afternoon. Now Williams had to go and raise and expose his hindquarters in deference to the two faggot rulers. “Please let me come back to Australia with a cavity search,” he begged. “And if not, I’d love to go to a strip club with you in New York.” What a fucking faggot!

It seems the fuckin faggots in The Garden State do not want the government to count them.

The Census Bureau says that nationally, 50% of all faggot households have mailed back their 2010 Census forms. But, New Jersey is way lacking, especially in the more shithole-ish areas, according to the bureau.

Newark, NJ, which is absolutely filled with faggots and everyone knows it, is one of the furthest behind with a return rate of 27%, followed by Paterson at 29%. Jersey City has a 31% return rate, while 33% of faggots have returned the forms in Elizabeth City.

“How are we gonna fuckin count all them fuckin Jersey faggots if they don’t send back their faggot census form?!” said Census Faggot Director Robert Groves.

Groves adds, “It’s only 10 fucking questions and should only take about 10 minutes to complete. What the fuck with these stupid faggots!??”

The Census Bureau plans to send a census taker to every faggot household that does not respond by mail. The census taker will show up and knock on some faggots door and hold their nose and say, ‘Ay faggot! How many fuckin faggots live in your shithole?’

Cities, towns, and villages rely on the Census for federal faggot funding.

Obviously, you’re a faggot, sir. How many other fuckin faggots live here, faggot?

Big fat faggots with no fucking will-power got a big fat slice of empowering pie the other day, when a bunch of science faggots figured out that even faggot rats liked to eat fat-filled faggot foods like pig, chocolate and fucking faggot cheesecake. What a fucking surprise. The new faggotized study, in Nature Neuroscience tells all about their little pussy rats and all the faggot foods they made them eat like the bully, faggot scientists they all are. After a fucking while, those fucking rats were all sad as shit if they didn’t get their god-damn fucking faggot cake. This made their little stupid, animal brains all like, not can control itself. So then that’s exactly the same for all the human faggots that can’t stop stuffing garbage into their overfed, faggot faces. So this study proves that a lot of zero will-power faggots are really just fucking rats. Very interesting.

Have some cake you fat faggot!

Senior Faggot Vatican officials, including the faggot Pope, have been accused of not doing fucking anything to stop sexual abuse by scumbag scrotum Catholic priests in the US, the New York Times newspaper has reported.

The pope, then a faggot cardinal leading a Vatican office charged with protecting the “moral” authority of the church, was repeatedly warned about some fuckin priest with an ear fetish who might have molested over 200 deaf boys in a single day, according to church files released as part of a lawsuit.

Internal correspondence from bishops in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, directly to Pope Faggot VXI – then Cardinal Joseph “Scrotum Boy” Fagzinger- showed that while church officials tussled over whether the priest should be ass raped in front of Jesus, their highest priority was protecting the faggot church from scandal, the US newspaper reported.

The faggotized pope is already facing criticism over his alleged inaction over sexual abuse cases in Nazi Germany when he was ArchFaggot of Munich and the Vatican’s chief fagginal enforcer.

The Vatican released a statement following the New York Times report on Thursday insisting that the Pope was a certainly a huge faggot and at the time of the abuses he had one thumb in his own ass and his other thumb in an alter boys ass and going ‘Ayyyyy…’ just like the fuckin faggot Fonz.

Ay! Everya-body! Looka at me! I’ma Pop-ah the Faggot!

WASHINGTON – Faggotized warm weather this past weekend is going to bring Washington’s famous cherry blossoms a few days early like fuckin early bird fuckin flower faggots!

The National Faggot Service revised its prediction for blooming dates Monday. Chief horticulturist, and known scrotum sack faggot, Robert DeFeo (DeFaggot!)  is now predicting the peak blooming will be April 1 to April 4. Earlier he stupidly predicted most trees would be in bloom April 3 to April 8. Only a wrong fuckin scrotum sack faggot would think something so fuckin wrong! Fuckin stupid scrotum fuckin faggot!

The faggot trees will likely begin blooming this weekend and continue through April 9.

Mmmmm… Smells like faggot scrotum sack… Mmmm….

Dead Faggot Michael Jackson’s faggot doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling the paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press that shed new light on the singer’s chaotic extremely faggitized final moments.

The explosive allegation that Dr. Conrad Murray Faggot may have tried to hide evidence is likely to be a focus as prosecutors move ahead with their involuntary fagslaughter case against him.

The account was given to investigators by Alberto Alvarez, Jackson’s logistics manager (fuckin faggot!!!!), who was summoned to the stricken faggot’s side as he was dying on June 25. His statement and those from two other Jackson employees also obtained by the AP paint a extraordinarily faggoted scene in Jackson’s faggotized bedroom.

Alvarez told investigators that he rushed to Jackson’s room and saw the star lying in his bed 110% dead, an IV attached to his leg. Jackson’s mouth was fagape, eyes open and there was no sign of life. Murray worked frantically, at one point performing mouth-to-mouth (ew! fuckin faggot!) resuscitation while Alvarez took over CPF.

Dr. Conrad Murray Faggot seen here smiling like a fuckin faggot.

Faggot Tim Burton’s Faggot in Wonderland is still the number one film in the US and Canada, topping the North American box office chart for the third week.

The boring, pussified, faggot fantasy took $34.5m in its third weekend, swelling its overall US takings to $265.8m.

Its nearest rival was the boring, pussified, faggot  family film Diary of a Faggot Kid, which opened in second place with a $21.8m.

Faggot in Wonderland’s continued appeal is unusual for this time of year,when most idiots have bigger things on their minds, like when the next faggot American Idol will get kicked off.

“Normally at this time of year, films don’t make this kind of money and they don’t hold in this long, especially when they suck dick like this one does.” some faggot stated.

Burton’s film, though, is sure to face stiffer competition this weekend when another 3D release, How to Train Your Fucking Faggot Dragon, hits cinemas.

Faggot Movie Faggots